Letter from a Stable Genius

THE WHITE HOUSE

WASHINGTON

October 9, 2019

Dear Mr. President:

Let's work out a good deal! You don't want to be responsible for slaughtering thousands of people, and I don't want to be responsible for <random action> — and I will. I've already given you a little sample with respect to <random thing>.

I have worked hard to solve some of your problems. Don't let the world down. You can make a great deal. <random person> is willing to negotiate with you, and make concessions never made in the past. I am confidentially enclosing <random object>, just received.

History will look upon you favorably if you get this done the right and humane way. It will look upon you forever as <insult> if good things don't happen. Don't be a <insult>. Don't be a <insult>!

I will <random>.

Sincerely,